SPAM
Sushi.
Talk about the corruption of something so simple, esthetically
pleasing, and pure. (SPAM I mean....)
Just kidding.
To me, SPAM sushi is a gastronomical abomination of
the highest degree. A bastard child of Gaijin and Japanese
roots so thoroughly corrupted and evil that it makes
Linda Blair's famous rendition of the green-vomit spewing
possessed teenager look about as tame a teletubby.
Let us for a moment delve into the history of SPAM.
Way back in 1926, the Hormel company developed America's
first canned ham (''Hormel Flavor-Sealed Ham''). After
11 more years of tinkering, they finally developed the
first canned meat product that did not require refrigeration.
Knowing this we can deduce that the fall of Western
Civilization began in 1937.
To backup this ascertain, I present the following notable
turning points of the 20th century that also took place
in the year 1937:
January 31 - The Ohio river floods. 2 cows and 1/3rd
of a mile of fence are lost to the deluge
February 2 - Tom Smothers, American musician and comedian
is born, resulting in America being subjected to The
Smothers Brothers Show from 1965-1966, and The Smothers
Brothers Comedy Hour in 1967.
April 28 - Saddam Hussein is born.
May 6th: The Hindendberg bursts into flames while attempting
to moore in Lakehurst New Jersey. New Jersey has since
been considered the red-headed step child of all US
states.
May 12 - George Carlin, American comedian is born,
his first words are reported to have been, "What
the F%^*?"
May 27th: The Golden gate Bridge opens for pedestrian
traffic. (The clinically depressed quickly find out
it is a great place to "bungee jump without the
bungee cord")
June 8 - First total solar eclipse to exceed 7 minutes
of totality in over 800 years; visible in the Pacific
and Peru. (Not really sure this is a bad thing, but
the natives sure seem to get nervous when it happens...)
July 5 - Highest recorded temperature in Canada, at
Yellow Grass, Saskatchewan: 45 °C. (DAMN! looks
like global warming started a lot sooner than we initially
thought)
July 7 - Sino-Japanese War: Battle of Lugou Bridge
- Japanese forces invade China.
July 28 - IRA attempts bombing assassination against
King George VI in Belfast.
September 21 - George Allen & Unwin, Ltd. of London
published the first edition of J. R. R. Tolkien's The
Hobbit, paving the way for the Society for Creative
Anachronism.
September 28 - Rod Roddy, "The Price is Right"
game show announcer is born, forever dooming Liberace
to second place for the title of "most outrageously
decorated sports jacket")
October 2 - Johnnie Cochran, American attorney is born.
decades later he get "The Juice" out of a
tight squeeze...
December - The Marijuana Tax Act is signed, killing
the US hemp industry just as it was about to benefit
from a mechanized brake and compete with cotton and
wood pulp. This deals a devastating blow to the Rastefarians,
forever marginalizing them as a serious political force
in America. En mass they all decide to move to Jamaica,
and in turn develop some really cool music.
December 31 - Sir Anthony Hopkins, English actor is
born. Rumor has it his first solid food was "Liver
with Faver beans, and a nice Chianti....thththththth!"
So as you can see, things really started to take a turn
for the worst in 1937. Is a coincidence that this was
also the year the SPAM, in its current incarnation,
was developed? I think not.
Evil forces are afoot here, not the least of which is
the little known fact that all the SPAM that has been
consumed since 1937 was produced during that one year
and has been held in non-refrigerated storage in Lakehurst
New Jersey. (So New Jerseys bad reputation may be well
deserved after all....)
But I digress. Back to some more of the specifics about
SPAM.
According to related literature, SPAM is a ''distinctive
chopped pork shoulder and ham mixture". The two
key words here being "distinctive" and "mixture".
Here is my theory on how SPAM came into existence..
When meat packers in 1937 ended up with scraps and
waste they made hot dogs. The scraps and waste left
over after they made hot dogs became the main ingredient
in SPAM. (The balance comes from as of yet undisclosed
sources, but my sources in the industry tell me that
NASA has discovered primitive life wriggling around
in the liquid methane oceans of Titan, one of Saturn's
moons. And it is this animal, slightly resembling a
hagfish, and the size of a Eastern conference middle
linebacker, that is the secret ingredient that gives
SPAM that unique taste.) (And you thought aliens first
made contact in 1947 at Roswell New Mexico.... Just
goes to show you can't believe everything you read...)
Hormel Spiced Ham got off to a slightly rocky start.
(This is not to say that there were any actual rocks
in the product, although experts agree that this would
have greatly improved the taste....")
Talk about a product just screaming to be used on Fear
Factor....
7 Oz. can of SPAM $2.37
1 kg of vinegared Sushi rice $1.99
Owning a piece of culturally bankrupt "food product"
that has the unrefrigerated shelf life of dirt - Priceless
And people think the Japanese eat some weird things....
--
FYI, James Van Dyne has recently released Jisho
1.1, a Japanese English Dictionary with over 128,000
entries. But even better, not only does Jisho translate
the word to Japanese and Romaji, it also searches for
relative terms to your keyword, so it also acts as a
thesaurus.
Check it out.
Comment 43
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